Falling in love is one of the most amazing experiences life offers. I'd argue that love is the main purpose of life entirely.
However, love can be transient, it can come and go, as can people, so love cannot define you, become your identity or the only purpose in your life.
Giving general advice on relationships is difficult as relationships are contextual. Any relationship can be improved within reason and desire by both parties but also some times people just aren't right for us no matter how bad you may want them to be. Let's talk about that.
MEH MODE
If you are keeping a person in the relationship knowing they aren't who you really want, you're kind of into it, kind of not! If they are for comfort and to stroke your ego and because you haven't come across anyone else as yet, really this is a selfish move on your part and counter productive.
Don't date the same person repeatedly (more then 3-4 times) with no intention or genuine want of them.
If you feel like you can take it or leave it and not phased by their presence, don't keep them as your prisoner, set them free. TOXIC VIBES
If you are fighting non stop and hurting each other, saying horrible words,using things against them and making personal attacks on character or trying to control each others lives and its a cycle, acknowledge that you may not be compatible.
It won't work if you feel the need to constantly stalking their social media, checking phones and looking for flaws and shadey things. Search hard enough and you will find something to be mad at (a like!). But why are you even looking?
Never sacrifise your self respect, or theirs, you are human beings.
If you generally bring out the worst in each other, then yes, break up.
KNOW YOUR LIMITS What are your personal boundaries? Think about it and figure out what your honest boundaries are. What is a deal breaker after 1 week, 4 years or 20 years with your man.
Lots of girls say I will not tolerate cheating. Then when a man cheats the woman finds a way to reason with his action. For example some say "well they didn't have sex" or "it was only one time after 3 years" and the woman doesn't leave. So, it is not a real boundary. That's cool, its your life, but you must understand where you draw the line, honestly, for your sake.
If you are not clear on your boundaries, you can't enforce them on yourself, or others. If he is continually pushing and crossing your boundaries, he does not respect them. Then yes, it's time to break up.
WILL HE CHANGE? That's different to can he change. A person can change any behaviour they want to.
Changing behaviours is hard work, really really hard, which is why us therapists are trained in helping people through the process. Substance abusers (addicts) are classic examples of how anyone can change when they are ready.
But will he? That's up to him.
Look at yourself for example, could you change to never wearing your hair in a pony tail? In theory, yes you can but how much effort and work arounds would you need to find to ensure you never tie it up again, not at the gym, not in the shower, not in bed, never up.
How often do you tie it up not even thinking about what you just did? See my point?
Change takes focus, willpower, a lot of work and a genuine want to change.
Communicate to your lover specifically what it is that bothers you, allow him a chance to say if he wants to change that about himself or not, then ample time to action it. If after a period of time, he hasn't changed or says he doesnt want to, then believe him, he will not change.
Accept your partner for who they are today, not who you hope they will be tomorrow.
The ICK
You cannot force someone to love you and you cannot force yourself to love someone. Love is a natural emotional reaction between two people as is sexual chemistry.
Now debatable within context but in general, if the thought of them touching you or having sex with them repulses you or you simply do not want to do it then something is seriously wrong.
Plus, sex is a key differentiator in seperating you from friends to lovers.
If you dont want to do it, like ever, then it may be time to break up.
VALUES
This is huge. You cannot change ones values.
Values include what you consider important and appreciate in a person and in life. What emphasis you have on religion, friends, family, money or business. Ideologies, family values, will you have kids, where you will live and in what lifestyle.
Did you ever watch the TV show in Australia called A farmer wants a wife, a reality love show where a Aussie farmer is often matched with a city girl.
Often the girl, who enjoys a drink after work with collegaues, lives in a unit and walks to grab a coffee at the local cafe every day before heading off to see her family then dinner with some friends. She values a busy life, lots of human interaction, family and loves getting dressed up. On the other hand, the farmer, rarely see's many people, has to drive 20 minutes to the closest town and 5 hours to a city. Typically he spends alot of time alone, has no neighburs or businesses near by and enjoys remote quiet farm life. He values family, peace and solitude.
Whilst they share some values, get along and can make some compromises, viewers roll their eyes and say; why would you match them? Too many of their values and desires do not align.
Values are not likes or dislikes of things, those are preferences. Having a different preference to your partner is highly likely and expected. That's one of the unique qualities of the other person such as he loves sushi and you hate sushi. He likes watching footy and you like reality TV shows. Thats a difference in preference, not a value.
These things are not deal breakers unless there is 100's of them which add up to overall not liking the person for who they are.
If your values are not aligned, you will always have issues in your relationship.
If your values are not aligned the relationship can work but not without some major sacrifises.
LOVE
But you love him, right? Bubble burster but love is not enough, not to last a lifetime.
Ask yourself: If you arent happy with them now, what makes you think you will be happy with them later?
Are you excited to see him? If a dog bit you once, would you keep trying to pat it? Are you convincing each other to stay?
Are you sacrifising who you are?
Am I kidding myself thinking this can work?
Is he sacrifising who he is?
Is he feeling the same way I do?
We have all heard the cliche saying "You have to love yourself before you love others".
What this means is, you need to understand your personal values, boundaries, desires, your personality and accept them as they form who you are. Once you know those things and love who you are, you will understand what you need in a partnership, how to be loved & what you can improve upon.
You are always half of the relationship and should never settle for someone that doesn't set your soul on fire and melt your heart.
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Love is love, this article may use female/male pronouns however the advice applies to all sexual orientations and gender identities.
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