Have you noticed how some relationships (and men) compliment you and how others don't and create drama or a disconnect? Yet you arent sure why. Well there is major player in the relationship game known as Attachment Theory. I know you want the short version so here it is, psychology describes the nature of emotional attachment between humans, it starts with our attachment to our parents and how we are nurtured and influences our entire lives and romatic relationships basically putting them into styles; Secure, Anxious or Avoidant. Based on a person’s attachment style, the way she approaches intimate relationships can broadly range.
If you learn what your dominant behaviour style is, some things will click and make sense such as why some relationships have failed, or worked well and why you're attracted to your 'type'' of relationship style. Keep in mind, these styles are not a specific type of person but continuous attachment behaviours . There are four attachment strategies. Secure "I don't worry about my partner leaving me or being too close to me. I am comfortable depending on each other and find it easy to build relationships". This is the secure type of woman who is confident and comfortable being alone and living independently. The woman who sets clear boundaries yet shows interest and affection in a relationship. When in a relationship this type doesn't need to be with their partner all the time, she is balanced and shows behaviours like honesty, support, and emotional connection. This woman's behaviour is loyal, typically trustworthy and sacrifice's when necessary and doesn't have trust issues. She is able to accept rejection and move on despite the pain is may cause. This woman is goals! Lucky as over 50% of people are secure attachment types! Anxious (Preoccupied) This is the woman that will call a man 11 times in a row until he answers. This woman needs constant reassurance from her man, she may stalk his social media and check the likes as she does not trust people easily and craves intimacy. She exhibits these behaviours as this woman is anxious, nervous and stressed about the relationship as has troubles being single and being alone. These feelings of anxiety lead her to irrational, emotional and sporadic behaviour patterns and relies too heavily on their partner to boost their self esteem. A anxious attachment style hates being alone so much she will often end up in unhealthy relationships. This type longs for love, security and safety yet often their behaviour pushes people away. Nobody really admits to being her; she is needy, easily upset, clingy and jealous but if you think about it, I bet you have danced in her shoes at some point. Avoidant - Dismissive Helloooo commitment phobe! Miss I don't want anything serious because "I don't have time for that'. Avoidant attachment types often feel easily smothered and suffocated by men who try and get into a relationship with them because they are very independent, under their own control and honestly just uncomfortable with intimacy which means this woman will talk herself out out of intimate situations and be able to completely rationalize it. This type forms a lifestyle to avoid commitment, intimate contact and frankly avoids wanting/needing a man and can emotionally support herself. She has positive self image and negative perceptions of others that creates the fear of commitment, so chooses to keep distance from others. This type always knows her exit strategy and has an excuse as to why it won't work out up her sleeve. Ladies note: This type is usually a man. If this was a man he would be annoyed if you want to see him more than once a week or chooses to work a lot, or prefers to see the boys over dating you. This type can shut down emotionally easily as they are high on avoidance and low on closeness. I have you thinking now, don't I? Fearful Avoidant (Disorganised) “I'm too worried about getting hurt if I get too close to my partner and I am not comfortable with closeness as I find it hard to trust and depends on others." This type creates a cocktail of intimacy fears, commitment issues, mood swings, lack of trust and acting out overly emotionally at those close to them. This attachment type usually spends a lot of time alone, not so happy and often in dysfunctional or abusive relationships. They have negative perceptions of themselves and others. This style of attachment makes it difficult to form and maintain relationships and are often antisocial. This is the minority of people and usually formed due to abuse or neglect as a child, or they have other issues in their life such as depression or substance abuse.
We each have a dominant style and sprinkles of all attachment style types. What is your dominant attachment type? One mans crazy woman, is another mans calm queen. Its the same woman, same behaviours just different relationship structure. How you behave in a relationship, the dominant behavioural styles come into play and combined with personality traits, change the overall dynamics between a couple. So, lets look at relationship structures. Secure types can date anyone and make the relationship work. Why? Because they are secure in themselves so naturally more balanced and well rounded. They can give avoidants the space they need and anxious ones reassurance they need. Anxious and avoidant types often date each other because avoidants are good of putting people off them so its the anxious types that persist and fight for them to open up. Lets take an anxious woman and an avoidant man as an example. An avoidant man dodges a secure woman's request for more dates and overall more from the relationship, she accepts the situation (rejection) and walks away, she moves on. (Bye Felicia!) The same avoidant man dodges the anxious woman request for more yet she resists. Every push the avoidant man gives her, she is a little more determined and sticks around, the anxious woman pursues the relationship and dances following his lead a little longer. You may of heard of the phrase push-pull in a relationship or chaser-chasee. This is often these two types! Its not the best pattern however it does work for them as they need elements of it to feel comfortable in the relationship. And finally, Fearful-avoidants usually date each other and have complicated relationships. They also date the less confident types in anxious or avoidant styles and rarely date a secure type, as the secure type often walk away from this type of relationship structure. Once you are aware of how you attach to others, you'll be able to better recognise when you're reacting in a way that is directly related to your fears or how the relationship dynamic is being formed. Remember, life experiences can influence your attachment style type and we are referring t behaviours, not a person. For example, A woman may be anxious then after marriage become secure. If the marriage ends or the man cheats she may swing into being more of a anxious type or she may become so fearful of intimacy and being hurt again that she shows behaviours that align with an avoidant type. Get it?
Most people don't change their attachment style but there are some ways you can alter yours, such as seeking therapy (or dating only secure people).
When I say, it is important to take a break between relationships and learn about yourself, this is the type of thing I am referring to.
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Love is love, this article may use female/male pronouns however the advice applies to all sexual orientations and gender identities.
If you want to do some research you can google: Bowlby and Ainsworth: The History and Psychology of Attachment Theory, The Harlow Experiments or Erik Erikson psychosocial development. John Bowlby is the legend of attachment theory and his mate Mary Ainsworth. You could also check out Psychologists Bartholomew and Horowitz hypothesized model. Whatever tickles your interest.